Sunday, January 26, 2020

Review The Meg (2018)


The Meg

A year ago in my gushing review of Deep Blue Sea (my hat is like a shark's fin) I opined my displeasure with with disappearance of larger budgeted animal attack films and specifically mentioned The Meg as a hopeful return films of this nature.  That August I hunkered down in one of those lavish AMC Dolby recliners and prepared myself for some shark munching insanity.

I never took notes from that screening since I knew I was going to wait until next shark week to review it but there was an analogy that I came up with and almost a year removed from that screening I still remember it.  Rewatching the film this year it couldn't be more appropriate. "The Meg is like bowling with the bumpers up." Put that shit on your fucking poster.  Listen Jaws was rated fucking PG and had more teeth than this 40 years ago!  This is the definition playing it safe.

And it's not just the lack of gore, it's just everything about this film is so milquetoast. I love Statham in the Crank films but his job here is pretty much just you know, be Jason Statham.  There's a whole mess of side characters that range from "ok" to "just exists so Statham can have drama." Rainn Wilson might be the only one with a real character if you consider "douchey tech billionaire" a character.
People die in bloodless obscured scenes that deprive us of what we really want, an ancient giant shark shredding people between it's jaws.  Not every shark movie needs gore, plenty are incredibly suspenseful and engaging but this is not one of them and it's certainly not why we came to see this film about a giant ass shark.

We get some people gobbled up in a 3rd act sequence that is way too little too late which again is bloodless and shows next to nothing.  The action sequences aren't worth enough to get your heart rate to rise above a fart. I know it seems I'm being harsh and it's definitely not the worst film you could watch on a lazy Sunday afternoon but this is the Soccer Mom Van of shark movies.  We can do so much better.

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